Self Forgiveness
We are human. We are not perfect. We are made to forgive and be forgiven.
While that may be true, execution is hard, imperfect, and something we need practice to learn.
I am certainly still learning. Looking back, I made choices and mistakes that led to breaking my ankle. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone or do something impulsive or selfish—I was simply trying to become a little less fearful and test my balance. The results of the fall have had a wide range of impact on me, my family, and friends.
I can’t go back and redo. I can’t make myself less needy. I can choose to forgive myself and receive the gifts and lessons that will come out of this time. What does this look like? It looks like a daily practice. I thought I would share some of what I know and what I am learning about this process of self forgiveness.
Embracing Imperfection
Acknowledging our imperfection is the first step towards self-forgiveness. We won’t ever stop making mistakes. Rather than viewing poor choices as shortcomings, they become part of our story and opportunities for growth and learning. Learning to speak to ourselves with sincere compassion allows us to honestly love ourselves as we are. There is inherent beauty in this journey. I believe self forgiveness allows us to actually love others more fully and deeply.
Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are not the same. I love this explanation from The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson, where he states, "Researchers have described shame as a feeling that is deeply associated with a person’s sense of self, apart from any interactions with others; guilt, on the other hand, emerges as a result of something I have done that negatively affects someone else. Guilt is something I feel because I have done something bad. Shame is something I feel because I am bad.”
Self forgiveness is a critical part to breaking free from guilt and shame.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
Self-forgiveness is an act of self-compassion. It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we readily extend to others. Recognizing we are all works in progress allows us to approach our journey with gentleness, kindness, and compassion. Everyday we have opportunities to practice self compassion.
How to begin the practice of self-forgiveness:
- Reflection: Take time to reflect on the situations that call for forgiveness. Understand the lessons learned. Literally speak the words out loud to yourself “I forgive you. You did the best you could with what you knew.” As we know better, we can do better. Growth will emerge from these experiences. Journaling is an excellent way to process, remember, and see the growth.
- Acceptance: Embrace the reality of your imperfections without judgment. You are human and can never be perfect no matter how hard you try. Acceptance opens the door to self-forgiveness by acknowledging that most growth arises from life's challenges.
- Learn and Grow: Every mistake, every trial has a gift you can receive —if you are open to it. Recognize the strengths you already have that will help you navigate adversity. Look for the resilience you've cultivated. Self-reflection is most effective when you are calm, present, and quiet. Record what you notice in words or photos. Re-read them 3 months, 6 months, and 1 year from now.
The Gift of Self-Forgiveness
Self-forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It unburdens the heart, clears the mind, and nurtures a positive relationship with oneself and others. By extending compassion inward, we pave the way for a more resilient and self-affirming path forward. It’s not easy, some mistakes are harder than others, it helps to talk it through with a loved one. If you want to work with a coach on this, schedule a free conversation with me.
